something disgusting this way comes
"c'mon baby (don't fear the leaper)"
there are six words that, when paired just so, will make me feel instantly nauseous. they are:
brown + recluse
out + sourcing
and
camel + cricket
brown sourcing is not so hot either.
not unlike one of my ex-girlfriends, the brown recluse spider is a nasty, tiny, light brown colored hermit that, when feeling threatened, will inject a flesh-necratizing poison into it's otherwise oblivious victim. the lesson i've learned: don't seek it out and you can continue living relatively unscarred without large chunks of you missing.
out-sourcing is a meaningless campaign issue whereby livelihoods are taken away from a higher paying job market and given to a lower paying job market, usually in another country. the segment of the population most affected by these practices would be the unlucky. coming in at a close second would be the over-paid and under-smart. (gulp.)
while not possessing the means to hurt you in any direct physical or financial manner, the camel cricket has other ways of "getting" you. this little time burglar from the ninth circle of cricket hell will creep you out with it's freakish leaping abilities, which it uses to either (1) keep you foolishly swatting at the spot on the floor where it just was less than a second ago, (2) force you to spastically writhe and brush your arms and chest, or, (3) when alone with you in tight quarters, ensure that you know the face of the insect whose life you are trying to take.
camel crickets live almost exclusively in the southeastern part of the united states, under my house. they generally stay in the crawl space, which i imagine sufficiently suits their dark and dank little lifestyle. but with the advent of daylight savings time, you can usually find at least one or two "soldier crickets" that have crawled through the cracks of my 1935 house and found their way into the seasonal darkness of the surface world by 5:30pm or so. which means the first thing i do when i come home from work is spend about 15 minutes trying to end a life.
great. that's just great. thank you, daylight savings time.
6 Comments:
actually, it's daylight saving time... without the 's'. this is just something boring i know.
its strange how offensive camel crickets are. since really they dont do anything. but theyre so fucking horribl.e
we used to live in a bldg in gso with a washer dryer in this sort of cellar underneath. and it was lined in c. crickets. like you killed hundreds as you walked and the sound was deafening before you turned on the light, but after you did it got creepy quiet and the wal,ls watched you do your laundry.
i started going to the laundromat pretty quickly.
aren't they blind and deaf?
if theyre blind what do their eyeballs do? and why do they stop chirping when you approach??
I don't know but this is more than you ever wanted to know about them:
http://tinyurl.com/69lnj
My basement breeds the camel crickets as well. They amass in my laundry that I leave on the floor, so when you go to switch the laundry, they jump out everywhere. I hate it.
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