Weekend Edition

LOCAL HEADLINES:

North Carolina Braces for More Winter Weather
Durham, NC
Saturday, January 29 2005

Forecasters are calling for "inches and inches" of possible snow, or sleet, or rain, or weather, for much of Central North Carolina this weekend. It's expected to cause havoc for local residents, who just last week faced self-inflicted traffic jams lasting up to eight hours as a result of what one Cary resident could only describe as "lots of icy patches". Governor Easley is considering declaring martial law throughout the state, and staggering driving priveleges either alphabetically, or, according to one state official, "possibly using the airline 'group seating' system". Stay tuned for more information on your designated driving time slot.

We go now to our on-time traffic correspondent for more details on the treacherous weather conditions (since it was sooo successful the first time):

WORLD NEWS:

Bush Administration Takes Tough Stand on Nazi Terror
Auschwitz, Poland
Thursday, January 27 2005

The Bush Administration sent a strong message of support and sympathy in marking the 60th anniversary of the liberation of Auschwitz from the Nazis. Having already come out in the Presidential debates as being strongly opposed to appointing any judge to the supreme court who would agree with the Dred Scott ruling, the Administration continued to bolster it's reputation as a "risk taker" when it comes to clear-cut issues by sending Vice President Dick Cheney and Second Lady Lynn Cheney to attend a somber memorial service with other world leaders in Poland:



Bush Administration gives it's requisite two shits minimum at Auschwitz.


As one Washington Post staff writer noted:
"Cheney stood out in a sea of black-coated world leaders because he was wearing an olive drab parka with a fur-trimmed hood. It is embroidered with his name...Like other attendees, the vice president was wearing a hat. But it was not a fedora or a Stetson or a fur hat or any kind of hat that one might wear to a memorial service as the representative of one's country. Instead, it was a knit ski cap, embroidered with the words "Staff 2001"...It is also worth mentioning that Cheney was wearing hiking boots -- thick, brown, lace-up ones."

When asked for comment, President Bush replied, "I know where Poland is."



ENTERTAINMENT BEAT:

Alien Revisited: Alien Vs. Predator
Durham, NC
Friday, January 28 2005

With the impending inclement weather making a drive to the movie theater next to impossible this weekend, I wanted to take a little time to review some already released films that will likely be available in your local video store after all the good ones have been taken. But which ones? The answer came in an inspiring actual conversation I overheard while sitting at my desk early Friday morning trying to play a little catch-up at the office:

guy 1: "this weekind ahm gonna watch that alien vs. predator."

guy 2: "wus that 'bout?"

guy 1: (after a moment to pause and consider the question)"predator's kahnda lahk a futuristic bug, and alien's almose lahk a bug. should be a good one."

So I rented "Alien Vs. Predator", to see what it's "about", and I'm here to tell you that it's not a "good one". In fact, as a colleague of mine might say, this movie should have been called "Alien Vs. Predator is a Great Big Piece of Shit".

To it's credit, the movie has stronger acting and better special effects than say, "Battlefield Earth", the narcoleptic sci-fi pic based on L Ron Hubbard's "ideas" and starring John Travolta as the definitive end of his own brief career comeback. But to put this achievement in it's proper context, my cousin thought the stage production of L Ron Hubbard's sci-fi-christ-story-bio as performed by 10 year olds was also better than "Battlefield Earth" by roughly the same margin. I'm giving this stinker two thumbs in my own eyes.

Incidentally, when I refer to L Ron Hubbard, I don't mean this guy from "Lord of the Rings":


...but i kinda do mean this guy


Nor should he be confused with this guy:


drive-by sci-fi


While at the bottom of the barrell, I also caught "Executive Decision". It stars Steven Seagal, Kurt Russell, John Leguizamo, Halle Berry, Oliver Platt and Marla Maples. Mr. Seagal plays a tough commando summoned by the President to intercept a Washington, D.C. bound 747 carrying enough explosives to wipe out half the Eastern seabord, along with 400 innocent Americans, six Middle Eastern crazies, and Marla Maples. After getting his team of lil' deputy commandos on board the plane, Mr. Seagal makes an early exit from the film as he is ripped though the sky in an unfortunate loss-of-cabin-pressure accident that he was probably not aware of until the day they shot the scene. After this, Kurt Russell takes over as the leading man. Ouch.

Other than it's possible uses as an instructional video for the Bush Administration's anti-terror tacticians, this movie is mostly crap and should only be watched with commercial breaks. The one ray of light in the film is this guy:


wa-da-ta, my main duaney

Mr. Jones plays the role of "Catman" in the movie. Not sure who this is. Maybe he was edited out of the network television broadcast due to time contraints, or possibly adult content. The important thing here is that his birthday is August 4th (the same as mine), he's from Hyde Park (in Chicago), which is the same name as the town where I grew up, he played a guy named "Teddy" in a TV movie called "Hollywood Confidential", and more importantly, he played the role of Duane "Excess" Wilson from the TV series "USA High". That's awesome.