the itchy and scratchy show

it could be worse


i went to the doctor's office today, to have a small rash on the side of my neck looked at, as well as some moles and markings that i've had for some time and figured i should get checked out. i was sent away with creams, ointments, and some important lessons. this is what happened.

a cute female doctor enters the exam room (almost all the doctors where i get "seen" are hot women. i believe the correct internet terminology is "DILF"). she is looking at what i presume is my file. without making any eye contact, she chimes in with, "i hear you've got a bunch of different skin problems. what's that all about? sounds kinda scary", and then gives me one of those exaggerated incredulity looks a la jennifer aniston. my smile goes a little crooked at this point. i'm beginning to think that maybe what she has been looking at is a piece of paper handed to her from the pre-exam nurse that says "grody rash boy in exam 3".

before i can get to explaining my symptoms, she begins circling me in a flaw finding mission. she spots the rash on the side of my neck, and within a few seconds declares that it's basically a combination of cold weather and friction causing this thing. it's 60 degrees out today, and i can't think of anything that only rubs the left side of my neck, but ok.

next, we take a look at the moles, which she tells me are not cancerous, just moles that people get as they get "older". we take a look at some cancerous mole pictures, and i'm convinced that she's on the up and up with this one.

she then finds the discoloration patch on my neck, again, without me pointing it out. "jock itch" she says.

jock itch.

"jock itch? on my head? well, uh, how, uh...?"

"sometimes people get this if they sleep a lot. or if they sweat a lot. natural folds in the skin maybe?"

sensing that the words "slothful", "sweaty" and "neck rolls" are beginning to take root in my psyche, she comes up with a half-hearted "or, you know, it's just out there, and if you have a break in the skin..."

she goes on to say something about it being fine, and no serious skin problems bla bla bla, but all i can hear in my mind is "you've had jock itch on the back of your head since last summer". which, i mean, i never imagined that i'd have to string these words together in a thought. it can shake you up.

then, she says, "here, let me go get this book that's got some pictures of the kinds of things you might want to keep an eye out for. it's kinda cool actually. it really makes a great coffee table book. i mean, some people probably won't read it. but eventually, most people get curious..." i can't tell if she's trying to get me to think that everything's ok because skin conditions are cool in a "celebrate diversity" kind of way, or if she's just trying to tell me that it could be much worse. she encourages me to take a look. i take the book from her and she writes me some prescriptions for various creams and ointments. (and there's nothing more dissatisfying than going to the doctor with potentially serious concerns and being sent away with creams and ointments.)

i flip to a random page, which displays a pair of swollen-shut nostrils, a scaley elbow, and a big toe that looks a little like a pus cobbler. there's defintely no way that any of this is cool. so the lesson i'm taking away from it all is, "hey it could be worse". and also, "for god's sake, stop sleeping so much, sausage neck".