a nose for trouble
do you smell that?
i don't have any pets, but lately i've been smelling dog shit and cat piss in my car and house, respectively. not all the time. but about twice a week. and the dog shit smell is always in the truck. and the cat piss smell is always in the house.
i didn't think much about it the first time i smelled dog shit in the truck. virginia and i both smelled it, and assumed that someone must have stepped in some. my shoes were clean, so i figured after dropping her off at home, the smell would clear up. and it did. until the next day. but then after that, i didn't smell it again until the day after i first noticed the cat piss smell in my house.
i came home from a run to discover the cat urine smell. i immediately began thinking that a cat must have snuck through one of the crawl space doors and was now living and pissing under my house. which means i'd have to go down there again. which means dealing with you-know-who again. for a while, i had the same worried-why-me face that i wore as my doctor counseled me concerning my recent bout of athlete's head. but then, hours later, the smell was gone. until this morning.
i'm pretty sure the smells are real. i sort of hope they are. i mean, what does it say it about someone who would imagine these kinds of smells? i just wish that at least they'd be a little more consistent.
Want to read more about defecation? Click here for a complete history of the TERD, including recent terd happenings.
a dangerous mind
careful what you wish for
aside from being a great hockey player and a thoughtful and kind friend, mark hullopeter is also a master of sensible footwear. i have been unconsciously aping his choice in men's casual sport shoes for a couple of buying cycles now, and have since come to realize that there's little point in not conscioulsy doing so. i could spend time and energy trying to find the "right shoe for me", but why bother when mark has already blazed a path to affordable and understated versatilty through the jungle of unncessarily overabundant choices. i will simply become his shoe stalker.
i have also joined his socks-is-socks revolution, a movement predicated on the idea that you don't need to wear matching socks. the minutes you save by not sorting and grouping and looking for a matching pair could be spent doing any number of more important or enjoyable things. sometimes people will stare. sometimes even your friends might ridicule you for being "lazy" or "unkempt" or a "moron". but as mark teaches us, you have to let that which does not matter truly slide.
the itchy and scratchy show
it could be worsei went to the doctor's office today, to have a small rash on the side of my neck looked at, as well as some moles and markings that i've had for some time and figured i should get checked out. i was sent away with creams, ointments, and some important lessons. this is what happened.
a cute female doctor enters the exam room (almost all the doctors where i get "seen" are hot women. i believe the correct internet terminology is "DILF"). she is looking at what i presume is my file. without making any eye contact, she chimes in with, "i hear you've got a bunch of different skin problems. what's that all about? sounds kinda scary", and then gives me one of those exaggerated incredulity looks a la jennifer aniston. my smile goes a little crooked at this point. i'm beginning to think that maybe what she has been looking at is a piece of paper handed to her from the pre-exam nurse that says "grody rash boy in exam 3".
before i can get to explaining my symptoms, she begins circling me in a flaw finding mission. she spots the rash on the side of my neck, and within a few seconds declares that it's basically a combination of cold weather and friction causing this thing. it's 60 degrees out today, and i can't think of anything that only rubs the left side of my neck, but ok.
next, we take a look at the moles, which she tells me are not cancerous, just moles that people get as they get "older". we take a look at some cancerous mole pictures, and i'm convinced that she's on the up and up with this one.
she then finds the discoloration patch on my neck, again, without me pointing it out. "jock itch" she says.
jock itch.
"jock itch? on my head? well, uh, how, uh...?"
"sometimes people get this if they sleep a lot. or if they sweat a lot. natural folds in the skin maybe?"
sensing that the words "slothful", "sweaty" and "neck rolls" are beginning to take root in my psyche, she comes up with a half-hearted "or, you know, it's just out there, and if you have a break in the skin..."
she goes on to say something about it being fine, and no serious skin problems bla bla bla, but all i can hear in my mind is "you've had jock itch on the back of your head since last summer". which, i mean, i never imagined that i'd have to string these words together in a thought. it can shake you up.
then, she says, "here, let me go get this book that's got some pictures of the kinds of things you might want to keep an eye out for. it's kinda cool actually. it really makes a great coffee table book. i mean, some people probably won't read it. but eventually, most people get curious..." i can't tell if she's trying to get me to think that everything's ok because skin conditions are cool in a "celebrate diversity" kind of way, or if she's just trying to tell me that it could be much worse. she encourages me to take a look. i take the book from her and she writes me some prescriptions for various creams and ointments. (and there's nothing more dissatisfying than going to the doctor with potentially serious concerns and being sent away with creams and ointments.)
i flip to a random page, which displays a pair of swollen-shut nostrils, a scaley elbow, and a big toe that looks a little like a pus cobbler. there's defintely no way that any of this is cool. so the lesson i'm taking away from it all is, "hey it could be worse". and also, "for god's sake, stop sleeping so much, sausage neck".
