Weekend Edition

LOCAL HEADLINES:

North Carolina Braces for More Winter Weather
Durham, NC
Saturday, January 29 2005

Forecasters are calling for "inches and inches" of possible snow, or sleet, or rain, or weather, for much of Central North Carolina this weekend. It's expected to cause havoc for local residents, who just last week faced self-inflicted traffic jams lasting up to eight hours as a result of what one Cary resident could only describe as "lots of icy patches". Governor Easley is considering declaring martial law throughout the state, and staggering driving priveleges either alphabetically, or, according to one state official, "possibly using the airline 'group seating' system". Stay tuned for more information on your designated driving time slot.

We go now to our on-time traffic correspondent for more details on the treacherous weather conditions (since it was sooo successful the first time):

WORLD NEWS:

Bush Administration Takes Tough Stand on Nazi Terror
Auschwitz, Poland
Thursday, January 27 2005

The Bush Administration sent a strong message of support and sympathy in marking the 60th anniversary of the liberation of Auschwitz from the Nazis. Having already come out in the Presidential debates as being strongly opposed to appointing any judge to the supreme court who would agree with the Dred Scott ruling, the Administration continued to bolster it's reputation as a "risk taker" when it comes to clear-cut issues by sending Vice President Dick Cheney and Second Lady Lynn Cheney to attend a somber memorial service with other world leaders in Poland:



Bush Administration gives it's requisite two shits minimum at Auschwitz.


As one Washington Post staff writer noted:
"Cheney stood out in a sea of black-coated world leaders because he was wearing an olive drab parka with a fur-trimmed hood. It is embroidered with his name...Like other attendees, the vice president was wearing a hat. But it was not a fedora or a Stetson or a fur hat or any kind of hat that one might wear to a memorial service as the representative of one's country. Instead, it was a knit ski cap, embroidered with the words "Staff 2001"...It is also worth mentioning that Cheney was wearing hiking boots -- thick, brown, lace-up ones."

When asked for comment, President Bush replied, "I know where Poland is."



ENTERTAINMENT BEAT:

Alien Revisited: Alien Vs. Predator
Durham, NC
Friday, January 28 2005

With the impending inclement weather making a drive to the movie theater next to impossible this weekend, I wanted to take a little time to review some already released films that will likely be available in your local video store after all the good ones have been taken. But which ones? The answer came in an inspiring actual conversation I overheard while sitting at my desk early Friday morning trying to play a little catch-up at the office:

guy 1: "this weekind ahm gonna watch that alien vs. predator."

guy 2: "wus that 'bout?"

guy 1: (after a moment to pause and consider the question)"predator's kahnda lahk a futuristic bug, and alien's almose lahk a bug. should be a good one."

So I rented "Alien Vs. Predator", to see what it's "about", and I'm here to tell you that it's not a "good one". In fact, as a colleague of mine might say, this movie should have been called "Alien Vs. Predator is a Great Big Piece of Shit".

To it's credit, the movie has stronger acting and better special effects than say, "Battlefield Earth", the narcoleptic sci-fi pic based on L Ron Hubbard's "ideas" and starring John Travolta as the definitive end of his own brief career comeback. But to put this achievement in it's proper context, my cousin thought the stage production of L Ron Hubbard's sci-fi-christ-story-bio as performed by 10 year olds was also better than "Battlefield Earth" by roughly the same margin. I'm giving this stinker two thumbs in my own eyes.

Incidentally, when I refer to L Ron Hubbard, I don't mean this guy from "Lord of the Rings":


...but i kinda do mean this guy


Nor should he be confused with this guy:


drive-by sci-fi


While at the bottom of the barrell, I also caught "Executive Decision". It stars Steven Seagal, Kurt Russell, John Leguizamo, Halle Berry, Oliver Platt and Marla Maples. Mr. Seagal plays a tough commando summoned by the President to intercept a Washington, D.C. bound 747 carrying enough explosives to wipe out half the Eastern seabord, along with 400 innocent Americans, six Middle Eastern crazies, and Marla Maples. After getting his team of lil' deputy commandos on board the plane, Mr. Seagal makes an early exit from the film as he is ripped though the sky in an unfortunate loss-of-cabin-pressure accident that he was probably not aware of until the day they shot the scene. After this, Kurt Russell takes over as the leading man. Ouch.

Other than it's possible uses as an instructional video for the Bush Administration's anti-terror tacticians, this movie is mostly crap and should only be watched with commercial breaks. The one ray of light in the film is this guy:


wa-da-ta, my main duaney

Mr. Jones plays the role of "Catman" in the movie. Not sure who this is. Maybe he was edited out of the network television broadcast due to time contraints, or possibly adult content. The important thing here is that his birthday is August 4th (the same as mine), he's from Hyde Park (in Chicago), which is the same name as the town where I grew up, he played a guy named "Teddy" in a TV movie called "Hollywood Confidential", and more importantly, he played the role of Duane "Excess" Wilson from the TV series "USA High". That's awesome.

outtakes and deleted scenes from the previous post

more unusable footage


america's funniest

america's second funniest

kind of accurate

also kind of accurate

unexpected and a little uncomfortable

the odds of THIS happening

how it all actually went down

america's creepiest

the child who would be ted

ted-a-ted


have you ever made eye contact with a toddler who looks exactly like you did when you were a toddler? i had the dubious pleasure of experiencing such an encounter last saturday, while standing outside of a diner, lazily sipping coffee with some friends while our table was being readied.

the shared moment was brief, as his parents were hurriedly dragging him up the street, probably to the educational toy store. but in the 10 or so seconds that we could see each other, an eternity of awkward acknowledgement and panic seemed to unfold.

from the look in his eyes, i imagine his thought bubble went something like:

"oh my god, when i grow up my hair is going to be brown and largely missing. and i'm going to be slightly pigeon-toed? and drink coffee? and when does one of my front teeth start to go a little crooked? at least i'll be six feet tall. who are your lady friends?"

my thought bubble read:

"oh, you think you can do better? you think maybe you'll magically have the wisdom in a few years to ask for braces, or corrective shoes? or find some miracle home remedy that will prevent the fifth horseman of genetics from replacing your blonde crown with the prickly thorns of muddy baldness? oh, and by the way, nice bowl cut you've got there, young squire. sorry i can't stay and chat. i have to go spend some of my own money and make some of my own decisions. ever done either of those things? have fun at the learning store..."

he was already out of eye-shot by the time i got to the "...stay and chat" part, but i know i got my message across.

screw that kid.

the trouble with english children

british as a second language



what is a twat? my dictionary defines twat as "a vulva; a woman or women collectively; a term of contempt and hostility." twat is a word british people use when they want to say something mean about people. my mum says i should not say the word twat or the word vulva. misses wensleydale says we shouldn't call people twats because it's not nice and because it's not good grammar. twat is like the word deer because even if there are lots of them you shouldn't put an "s" at the end of the word. deer travel in herds. i don't know what a group of twat is called. nigel says they travel in "smacks" and i told him that was not funny. i am sorry i disturbed the class by passing notes, and that i called agnes and fiona twats. i would also be sorry if i called them twat.

twee is another word in the dictionary on the same page as twat. british children are twee.

choose your own adventure

choose wisely


missing adventure #1

missing adventure #2

missing adventure #3

enlighten me

unitard


this year, i decided i was going to make more use out of my wednesdays off, or at least spend them worrying about what the next big thing will be for me. part of this "plan" involves trying to take a yoga class for beginners. you would think this would not be so hard, that somewhere, at some point, on a given wednesday, i could find a beginner yoga class to attend in my own town. but apparently, wednesday is reserved for pre-natal and post-natal yoga classes city-wide. while, broadly speaking, i would classify myself as post-natal, i suspect that this will not cut the normative mustard at my local ymca.

but really, would it kill them to make a little room? i'd be happy to just inconspicuously do my little thing in the corner somewhere, quietly falling behind the rest of the class without any complaining at all. and i'm sure anyone could benefit from a class focused on "internal healing techniques", or "conditioning for your infant's newly-formed rubbery body", or whatever it is that supposedly makes this class so natal.

i guess i'll take my new yoga pants and try a workout tape at home. they might be pajama bottoms, though. i'm not sure.

quality control

under the right lighting, this is a good idea


let's say you break up with someone. but you both still really care for each other a great deal. would you think it's a good idea to send 25 of these bumper stickers to that person's sister's boyfriend, because you think that he would think it's a funny bumper sticker? apparently, without any regard for the imagined irony it might exude, i approved this idea. the same day i approved this idea, i also greenlighted the purchase of a silver antler coat rack, as well as a package of twelve tiny refrigerator magnets costing $16. this is more or less how my holidays went.